Noah no Ichizoku
by l0rdn1hilus
Summary: They are the Noah family, feared by exorcists everywhere. However, when they're not busy doing the Earl's errands, they're just like any other average, quirky, messed-up anime family. Please R & R!
1. The Baseball tournament

**Noah no Ichizoku: Chapter 1.**

**The Baseball Tournament.**

Disclaimers: I DO NOT own D.Gray-Man, and I never will, that right belongs to Katsura Hoshino-Sensei. (Although if I could own D.GM that'd be awesome)

Summary: They are the Noah family, God's apostles, and the bane of exorcists everywhere. But when they're NOT out and about doing the Earl's dirty work, they're like any other quirky anime family.

Note: Story contains situations ripped from various animes, see if you can spot and ID!

* * *

Somewhere, high above the snowy mountains, within the lair of the Earl of Milennium, lies the abode of the Noah family, quiet, tranquil, and peaceful.

Author's note: (At least, when they're not plotting to steal an ark or invade a order or anything…)

"It's too quiet here….." mouthed off Tyki Mikk, the pleasure of Noah, silently under his breath.

"Oh, shit, every time it's too quiet, that means…..Oh, damn, I'd better do roll call!" Tyki mouthed off.

"OKAY, OKAY, TYKI, DON'T PANIC, DEEP BREATHS! THE DOCTOR SAID I'D BURST A VEIN IF I GET TOO STRESSED! WHERE THE HELL ARE MY HAPPY PILLS?!"

Taking roll call in his mind, and popping a few happy pills, Tyki began to read off the names of all the Noah within eyeshot.

"Let me see, Skinn's next to the fireplace…doing….God knows what…..wait…wha-!?"

Tyki immediately broke out of his mental roll call and ran towards Skinn.

"SKINN, FOR GOD'S SAKE, FIREWOOD IS NOT DARK CHOCOLATE….it just LOOKS the same, DON'T EAT IT!"

Skinn, in his usual, stupidly stupidly stupid monotone, said, "Oh…Really? I like sweet stuff…" and then proceeded to throw himself face-first into the fireplace, and started munching on all the charred firewood.

It was at this point Tyki could feel his concentration snapping…

"Okay, Fck Skinn! Let me see, Lulubell's over there, admiring the 908178-dollar Prada bag she bought with….wait….is that MY-CREDIT-CARD!"

At this point, Tyki could really feel his veins fill with blood.

"OKAY, NEVER MIND THAT, Jasdebi are over there engaging in….their usual…..homo……ew…..no….oh, god, that's DISGUSTING, UGH! I think I'm gonna puke…"

After proceeding to puke buckets into his own teacup (it's MAGICAL, SO DON'T ASK WHY THE TEACUP CAN HOLD BUCKETS OF PUKE), Tyki resumes roll call.

"Okay….Skinn, Lulubell, Jasdebi…"

"Holy lord, where the HECK IS…."

At this point, Road barges in, holding a very….ominous looking leaflet in her hands.

"EVERYONE! We're going to take part in a baseball tournament!"

As all the Noah look up from what they were doing, Tyki finally snaps, and falls to the floor in a heap.

"What's up with Tyki?" Road asks.

"No idea" respond the Noah simultaneously.

"ANYWAYS, AS I SAID, WE'RE TAKING PART IN A BASEBALL TOURNAMENT!" yelled Road at the top of her voice.

Regaining his consciousness slowly, Tyki painfully got up from the floor.

"We are SO not participating in a BASEBALL TOURNAMENT, for god's sake, what IS baseball!"

Road, putting on her cutest face possible, went straight up to Tyki.

"But Tyki…pleeeeasey-weasy!"

"But, we don't have enough members, Road, I don't think it'd be…." said Tyki, in a sad attempt to shoot back.

"It's no worry, I think I can get Lero to play, and we can get the fourteenth to play with us!"

At his point, Tyki really was going to go ballistic.

"Okay, WHAT THE HELL, AN UMBRELLA AND A DEAD TRAITOR PLAYING THIS….BALL-BASE THINGY, IS THERE NO SANITY LEFT IN THIS WORLD?!" said Tyki to himself.

"Surely you don't support this…" said Tyki to his fellow Noah.

"But……it sez here that…..err……you can buy many many things if you win….and I like sweet things……they ARE things, right?" mouthed off Skinn in his usual monotone.

"Oh! I know! I can use the winnings to buy myself that new pair of shoes from Versace I saw that day, It'd go SO well with this new bag!" Lulubell pranced.

"THAT YOU BOUGHT WITH MY DAMN CREDIT CARD!" Tyki interjected.

"Details, details, Tyki darling." said Lulubell, as she blew a kiss his way.

"Hehehehehehe! JasDebi wouldn't mind, we'll kill'em all!"

"The objective of sport is not to KILL the opposing team! Morons!" yelled Tyki at the twins.

"OKAY, IT'S SETTLED THEN!" squealed Road.

"Oh, god, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm beaten. When's the tournament, Road?" Tyki sighed in defeat.

"The day after tomorrow!" yelled Road.

"THE-WHATTTTTTTTT?!" snapped Tyki.

"How the HECK ARE WE GONNA PRACTISE! We don't even know what this game is!" Tyki roared.

"Worry not Tyki, practice makes perfect!"

Departing from the Earl's lair, the Noah family then proceeds to find a random baseball field, and proceeds to negotiate with the team practicing there.

"Er, well…." Tyki stammers, "Would you let us borrow your field?"

"HELL NO FOOL!" Was the immediate response Tyki got.

Sighing, Tyki opens his palms.

"Tease, have a blast."

But, to his surprise, the Tease turned on him instead.

"WAI-WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, TEASE, EAT THEM, THEM!"

"Ohhhh, so THAT'S where our prank Tease went, they're supposed turn upon the master, and attempt to devour them, but we decided against that in favour of fake rubber dog poop!" the JasDebi twins interjected.

"ARRRRRRRGH, MY SUIT! JASDEBI! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" screamed Tyki.

After an hour of getting the prank Tease out of Tyki, the Noah then realized that they actually had powers, and proceeded to waste the baseball team.

"OKAY, WE'LL START WITH A THOUSAND HITS!" Road squealed.

"A Thouuuusand….." groaned all the Noah in unison.

At the end of the day, the Noah, tired and worn out, except for Road, trudge back to the Earl's lair.

"OKAY GUYS, TOMORROW WE'D BETTER WIN, WINWINWINWINWIN!" screamed Road at the top of her lungs.

Of course, the Noah are total morons, and instead of realizing they could just murder everyone at the tournament, they actually took part.

And so, the official day of the tournament arrives.

"Who's that team over there, Tyki?" asks Road.

"Oh, er, they're the…..Osakan Pirates, the favourites to win this tournament." Tyki replied.

"Hmph! We're the Noah family! We're gonna stomp them into the ground!" yelled Road, just like a typical grade-schooler, despite being the eldest of the Noah.

"Hmph, a Dead traitor and a Umbrella on our side, with that amount of handicap, we're bound to lose!" Tyki silently celebrated.

And, when crunch time came, it so happened it was Skinn who was up to pitch first.

"GO SKINN, TURN HIM INTO DUST!" yelled Road from the sidelines.

Skinn, being the moron he was, took a quick look at the ball, and then back at Road, and then back at the ball again.

And ate it.

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING SKINN, THROW IT! IT'S NOT A SWEET!"

Skinn, being an absolute moron, ate the ball again, and again, and again…

Next, up to bat, was Lulubell, with JasDebi out back as catchers.

"HIT IT OUTTA THE PARK, LULUBELL!" yelled Road.

"STRIKE ONE!" came the shrill yell of the umpire.

"STRIKE TWO!" came the yell again.

"LULUBELL!" bellowed Road, "you're supposed to swing the bat, SWING IT!"

"Ugh, I'll break a Nail!" squealed Lulubell.

"STRIKEOUT!" yelled the umpire.

"HEY, THAT'S NOT FAIR!" bellowed Lulubell, "I was gonna hit it! Hmph!"

Needless to say, Team N.O.A.H (Road's ever-so creative name for the team) was soon down by…well…a terribly large number.

"Tyki, get your butt over here" bellowed the disembodied spirit of the fourteenth.

"What, I'm gonna get lectured by the dead traitor, ooh, scary." Tyki shot back sarcastically.

"Listen, closed spa-WAIT, WRONG ANIME! I mean, Road's temper tantrums will be something you'll have to deal with for the entire week ahead if you lose this match, so I just want to iterate to you what you're dealing with here." Whispered the fourteenth in hushed tones.

"So turns out I've secured someone whose interests coincide with ours…" whispered the fourteenth.

"MEET, YUKI NA-…."

"WAIT…WRONG ANIME AGAIN!"

Tyki couldn't help but continuously hit himself with the baseball bat.

And, soon enough, it was Tyki's turn to get up to bat.

"GO TYKI! GOGOGOGO!"

Tyki heaved a sigh, and, as the ball was heading towards him…

He opened his palms and told the Tease to eat everyone in sight….

Well, needless to say, Team N.O.A.H won the tournament, albeit the amount of blood and guts left over was a serious problem for the cleaning company...

Road actually didn't really care, it turns out that all she wanted was the shiny trophy.

Not to mention the prize money shut Skinn and Lulubell up, finally giving Tyki some peace.

And so, a week passed, uneventfully, a few battles here and there, a few more exorcists and finders dead by the Noah's hands…et cetera..

Until about a week later..

"It's too quiet here, something's not righ-…" Tyki pondered to himself.

"Wait….where's Road…." Tyki thought aloud.

"EVERYONE!" yelled Road as she barged into the Noah's quarters, "Take your pick, American football or Cricket!"

After three seconds of silence.

"NO, NO AMERICAN FOOTBALL, LET'S PLAY CROQUET INSTEAD!" bellowed Tyki.

* * *

Plz R and R, enjoy a complimentary cookie from me if you can guess the anime I referenced the baseball tourney from)


	2. The Computer Game

**Noah no Ichizoku – Chapter 2.**

**A Gaming Challenge**

Disclaimers apply once again.

* * *

Another quiet, tranquil evening passes over the snowy mountains, the clouds bathing the Millenium Earl's lair in a glow of mellow orange…

Silence fills the air, and the world is at peace.

At least, for a while.

"AND that, JasDebi, is a Royal Flush, hand over your underwear…." Smirked Lord Tyki Mikk of the Noah.

Needless to say, Tyki and the twins were playing strip poker, and Tyki…well…is the best card player among the family…

"IN NOAH'S NAME, THAT'S THE BLOODY FOURTEENTH TIME, I SWEAR, YOU GOTTA BE USING THAT CHEATER WALKER'S CARD DECK!" yelled the twins.

"Fair is fair, Jasdebi, now….take….it…..ALL…..OFF!" smirked the Noah of pleasure, with a very perverted gleam in his eyes.

"NO WAY, YOU'RE JUST GONNA GO ALL YAOI FANBOY ON ME, I'VE SEEN WHAT YOU DO ON YOUR LIVEJOURNAL!" squealed the twins, as they quickly scooted faaaaaaaaar away from Tyki.

"WHAT! You read my Livejournal? WHAT-DID-YOU-SEE!" yelled Tyki.

"When your fellow Noah goes by the name HAWTALLENXTYKI-FTW, you start to think….." interjected the twins.

"THAT NAME MEANS NOTHING! NOTHING I TELL YOU!" screamed Tyki, who also started to sweat profusely.

Lulubell and Skinn at this point, also started to snigger, and scooted away from Tyki as fast as possible..

"IT-IS-NOTH…" screamed Tyki, who was shortly interrupted my a few raps on the door.

"What the….No-one ever visits the room…." pondered Tyki aloud.

Upon answering the door, he was….to say the least, shocked.

"WHAT THE…WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE!" yelled Tyki Mikk.

Standing in the doorway, were the Exorcist Generals of the Black Order.

"Greetings, Clan of the Noah, we, the Generals of the Black Order, have decided to present you with a challenge." Cross Marian proudly proclaimed.

"Don't FOOL ME, You're just here for THE CARD DECK I STOLE FROM THAT CHEATER BOY……of……yours……" Tyki said, realizing he had just let the cat out of the bag.

"AHA! SO YOU DID CHEAT" all the Noah said in unison.

"THAT IS NOT THE POINT, ANYWAYS….." Tyki interjected.

"You want to play a game with us? What for?" Lulubell piped up from the background.

"Well, according to the rules over at HQ, I'm not supposed to push my debts on anyone from the Noah family, mainly Jasdebi, so, we'll play online to have these debts erased, how's about it?" Cross proudly smirked, handing over a disc sleeve emblazoned with the name "The Day of –CENSORED- 3!"

And, Sokaro, being a moron on a par with Skinn, stepped forth, and proudly exclaimed "ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE, CRAVEN NOAH, IT'S A CONTEST, CONTEST, CONTEST, CONTEST! A CONTEST I SAY."

Tyki silently pleaded "PLEASE, STOP SAYING CONTEST, If Road hears……."

"HAAAYAH!" screamed Road, delivering a furious roundhouse kick to Sokaro's face.

"SOKARO!" yelled Klaud Nyne.

"OOOO, A challenge is it, who are you to challenge TEAM N.O.A.H? You gotta be someone from some secret organization…..oh, wait…it's just the generals." Road piped up.

-Silence-

"WAIT, THE GENERALS? NOAH, ASSUME BATTLE POSITIONS!" Road screamed.

"NO, Road, they were just here to play a little game with us, to erase Jasdebi's debts…" Tyki sighed.

"OH, THEN WE ACCEPT!" Road screamed.

"Then the game is On! We'll see you online in about a week." yelled Tiedoll.

A good evening later

"So…..HOW DO WE PLAY?" yelled Road.

"Well, according to this, we each have a fleet, in one match…and we aim to completely wipe out the enemy, I suppose." Tyki shot back.

"ALRIGHT THEN, TEAM N.O.A.H! We have our work cut out for us!" yelled Road, "we gotta win in one week, ONE WEEK!"

-Day 1-

"ALL SHIPS CHARGE!" yelled Road.

"ALL FLEETS LOST" piped up the game's voice.

-Day 2-

"ALL SHIPS CHARGE"

"ALL FLEETS LOST" was the almost immediate reply.

-Day 3-

"ALL SHIPS CHARGE!"

"ALL FLEETS LOST" was the immediate reply.

And thus, it went on for another 4 days….

"ARGH, TYKI, THIS GAME PISSES ME OFF!" yelled Road.

"At this rate, we'll never win!" Tyki silently smirked.

Skinn, however, was actually looking relatively interested.

"EH, Skinn, could my eyes be deceiving me or are you having…..fun?" Tyki asked.

And so, the day of the battle finally came.

"ALRIGHT, NOAH, WE HAVE TO WIN! WINWINWINWIN!" yelled Road.

-ENTERING BATTLEFIELD-

"Your excellency, Road-sama, we have located the enemy fleet, they are at co-ordinates 09-50, directly ahead." Rang Tyki's voice over the intercom.

"ALRIGHT THEN, ALL SHIPS CHAR-WAI-WAIT! I'M UNDER ATTACK!" Road yelled.

"Aha! It appears Jasdebi is under attack too!" yelled the JasDebi twins.

"TURN 3 degrees to port, prepare proton torpedoes and LOCK S-FOILS IN ATTACK POSITION!" yelled Tyki.

"WHAT, NO TYKI, JUST SEND OUT THE GUNDAM!" Lulubell yelled.

"YOU NUTS, WE'LL GET SUED FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!" Tyki shot back.

"WHERE IS JASDEBI'S DEATH STAR!" yelled the twins.

"DAMNIT, NOW THEY DISAPPEARED AGAIN!" Tyki yelled.

Whilst the Noah were bickering, a vicious enemy attack from the Cross and Nyne fleets swept into Team N.O.A.H's formations. More than decimating half of Lulubell's and Tyki's fleets.

"ARGH, SCREW THIS, I'M CHARGING!" yelled Road.

"NO, ROAD WAIT!" yelled Tyki and Lulubell together, as Road crashed head on into their fleets.

The generals took the initiative, and swept into Lulubell's, Tyki's, and Road's combined fleets.

"We've LOST!" Tyki so happily thought to himself.

At least, until the fog of war miraculously cleared up.

"Eh, wait….what…..SKINN! Don't CHEAT!"

"WHAT THE…" yelled Tyki, "SKINN, DON'T CHEAT!"

"I not cheating…" Skinn said, furiously pounding away on the keyboard.

"Er…..Skinn, if you hit it so hard it'll break" piped up Jasdebi.

"NAYSAYERS WILL BE FORCED TO RUN 10 ROUNDS AROUND THE SNOWY MOUNTAINS, IN THE NUDE, SAYING TYKI IS HAWT!" screamed Road.

"But….the generals, they hacking, and they turn off their fog of war…." Monotoned Skinn.

"What….the heck…." Said Tyki, jumping out of his seat and heading over to Skinn's.

Needless to say, Tyki almost popped a vein when he saw Skinn writing complex game code.

"See, Tyki" drawled Skinn, "they cheats, can I fix?"

"Wait…..wha…..Skinn, you wrote this? ALL OF IT?" Tyki screamed out loud.

"Yur…." Skinn drawled.

"Hm….Wow, Skinn, I'm either hallucinating, out cold, dreaming, or all three, so go ahead!"

-Back at Black Order HQ-

"AHA! We've ALMOST GOT THEM!" Cross yelled, "Now, execute the finisher! No-one makes me pay my own debts!"

"WE CAN'T!" shrieked Klaud Nyne.

"WHA-WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE FOG OF WAR OFF! TURN IT OFF!" Cross screamed.

"WE CAN'T! It's locked at the setting!" Tiedoll yelled.

"OH SHI-…" moaned Sokaro.

-Back to Team N.O.A.H."

"AHA, TAKE THAT CROSS!" yelled Tyki, as he cut a swathe through Cross's fleet.

"Oh….I see, so they were cheating in the first place, sly little buggers" smirked Lulubell.

"THAT'S NYNE AND SOKARO OUTTA THE WAY, NOW, FINISH TIEDOLL AND CROSS!" Road yelled.

"Corner them!" screamed Tyki.

"Oh…they're cornered goooood, hehehehe" Jasdebi smirked.

"ALL SHIPS FIRE!" Road yelled.

-Back at Black Order HQ-

"HONOUR TO THE BLAAAACK ORDER!!" yelled Cross and Tiedoll together, as their fleets were consumed by the combined attack.

-Back to Team N.O.A.H-

"We lost fair and square……" sighed Cross, "it was inhuman how you detected us cheating, I swear!"

"HOW DID YOU DO IT! It's not NORMAL!" shrieked Klaud Nyne and Tiedoll together.

"Well, you still lost, so remove Jasdebi's debt, now." Tyki demanded.

"Fiiiiine" sighed Cross, "but will you at least tell me who was responsible for that superhuman act of hacking? Road? Lulubell?"

"Nope, Skinn" Tyki replied.

"SKINN??" all the generals shrieked in unison.

The generals all peered over to where Skinn was trying to eat a hard-boiled egg and not hurt himself…

And promptly fainted.

Tyki peered over the KO'ed generals, and smirked.

"Yeah, I didn't believe it either, best to forget such things ever happened."

* * *

R and R please!

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End file.
